Thursday, April 03, 2003

Where's Saddam? At the Movies

I've been having trouble explaining why Saddam and his sons can't come up with a plausible broadcast. It couldn't be that hard to tape a video saying "We will beat the infidels! Evan as the famed Ken Griffey Jr. has been unable to deliver the Reds a winning game, their weapons will not help them."

Based on my canonical knowledge of film, here's my guess as to what's happening:

  • Weekend at Bernies III: Saddam is dead, but the party can't go on without him. Although his more boring buddy is nervous, class clown Tarik Aziz is eventually forced to show up at a political rally with Saddam's corpse (wearing sunglasses). By putting his arm over Saddam's shoulder and crossing Saddam's legs every so often, wacky Tarik pulls it off and gets the girl.

  • Game of Death: Saddam was injured in the "decapitation" attack, and now has had plastic surgery to make him look like a forgettable martial arts extra. After faking his own death, he is heading for the White House, were he will fight his way past a succession of secret service agents, each with an exotic martial arts style, stationed one to a room, until fighting Dick Cheney and George Bush simultaneously in order to regain his honor.